The State of Missouri Got What It Wanted. All I Got Was a Case of the Sadz.

It took three and a half million minutes last night for the DA to slip in the words "no bill" somewhere. I'm still not even 100% sure where. He bullshit through a plethora of explanations of why this is a purely rational result, even though a no bill, particularly where there is so much conflicting evidence, happens less than .001% of the time. The State backtracked into the decision it wanted all along. And they forced us to eat it. I, as a black woman in this country with brothers and cousins and friends and sons of friends—all of whom were just given proof that their lives don't matter—am just depressed and scared. And angry. I'm so very angry about how this was conducted.

The State called a state of emergency two weeks prior, loaded up the army gear, and then announced at 2 pm they weren't giving the results until 9 pm. They WANTED riots. They wanted to be able to say, "See? Black people are just animals who cannot be reasoned with. We gave them 45 minutes of explanation."

And all the while they will ignore that the city basically poked and prodded to get this result. They will ignore people's frustrations, because the very reasons McCullough gave for the no bill (all that conflicting evidence) is the same reason MOST grand juries decide there needs to be a trial. They will ignore the fact that in a town that is more than 60% black, this grand jury was somehow magically 75% white and that the number of white people on the grand jury just happened to be the same number you needed to get a no bill. They will ignore the fact that the grand jury listened to Darren Wilson for hours (an unprecedented move) including his testimony that "it [Mike Brown] looked like the devil"—you read that correctly, "it." They will ignore the fact that the looters are Not. In. Any.  Way associated with the protesters and that the protestors have been holding classes and seminars and handing out flyers for weeks on how to peacefully assemble. 

But, most importantly, they will ignore the fact that this is so much bigger than Michael Brown. This is about the pain and anger we feel that time and time again, black people—black men especially—are being hunted down like dogs because we merely look scary to white people who can't process their own internal prejudices and white privilege and refuse to (because they assert it's our fault for "making everything about race"). This is about the fact that every black mother around this country is holding her son so very tight right now, knowing that even her five- or six-year old could be shot at any moment, with no repercussions for his killer. Because, you know, a water gun in the hand of a black kid "could be real," but a water gun in the hand of a white kid is so obviously fake, because kids (white kids) wouldn't dare shoot anyone. 

And meanwhile, I have to deal with white people, even some in my own family, telling me that I need to be more empathetic to how they feel, because they live in St. Louis and might have to keep their kids home… on Thanksgiving week, when the schools were closed anyway. Gee, sorry if I can't process sadness over your few days on inconvenience when my entire life as a black woman in this country with black men in my life I love dearly, is one big goddamn inconvenience. No feels given. 

I'm just truly done. 

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