What's in a Name? A Lot, Actually

On las week's episode of Castle, Beckett and Castle had to find and question a witness named Bram Stoker. Yes, as in "Bram Stoker's Dracula." Once they found Mr. Stoker, this was the exchange:

Becket: Excuse me? Bram Stoker?
Bram: Yeah.
Beckett: Det. Kate Beckett, NYPD
Castle: And might I say how youthful you look.
Bram: [sarcastically] Witty! Never heard that before.
Castle: I've never heard anyone named Bram Stoker before. Except... Bram Stoker.
Bram: Apparently, he's a distant relative, and both my parents were English scholars. They thought it'd be cute. It wasn't. So what's this about?


As someone with... er... an unusual first name (and middle name, for that matter), I totally get this "not cute" sentiment. I'm sure back in 1977, my normal-named parents thought that giving me such an odd name would make me stand out in a crowd. While they were right, that standing out wasn't always a good thing.

Although my name makes perfect phonetic sense, it is almost always mispronounced. In fact, it is so commonly mispronounced that I am always shocked when someone says it correctly the first time. For one thing, people are always adding letters to and/or subtracting letters from my name in order to make it conform to a more common or known name or at least something that makes some sense. Although I always find this a little lazy (especially when people are pronouncing letters that are clearly not present and not even close to the actual letters in my name), I totally get why the human brain does that.

Reading is partly phonetics and partly memorization. There's a reason why preschoolers are taught "sight words." These are the words that you will just know upon sight, without your brain actually parsing out the individual components. However, we also have to learn phonetics, otherwise you would never know how to actually read a word that you have never encountered. So when you see a name that you've never seen before, one part of your brain focuses on phonetics while another (or the same part. I dunno. I'm a lawyer, not a scientist) tries to conjure up memories of a similar name you may have seen and pronounced before. So when you see an unusual name like mine, which has components of real names [since my parents creatively and tragically put their names together to derive mine], whether or not you stand a chance of pronouncing it correctly depends on if memorization or phonetics reigned dominant.

In addition to the pronunciation issue, one thing my parents clearly didn't think of when naming me was the Playground Test—ya know, that test that tells you how easy it would be for hateful, taunting children (which is pretty much all of them at a certain age) to come up with jeers for your child based solely on what rhymes or is easily associated with his or her name. For example, naming your non-German kid Adolf. My name easily lends itself to rhyming-based teasing. In fact, it is so easy to come up with a tease, that on a recent job interview, one of the interviewers asked me if I got teased a lot in elementary and middle school... and then she quickly guessed what three of the common taunts were.

Another issue my parents didn't think of when naming me? The resumé test. As many black professionals born in the 70s and 80s will tell you, many of our parents, completely high and giddy on the fruits of the black power movement did not really think about the fact that some day, two decades in the future, their children would have to compete in a world where we are submitting resumés along with caucasian and others whose parents weren't so creative (or kr8tv) in naming them. So, yes, while it isn't fair, there was definitely a huge period of time (and in some industries is is still the case) where a Laqueeshya, Tenequia, or Dramé would not stand the chance of having his or her resumé viewed alongside a Susan, Debbie, or John. The funny thing is, most of the parents who gave their children these awful names (my own included) have perfectly, generically normal names. These days, things have evened out. White and non-white people alike are just as likely to give their children crazy, unusual names (Pilot Inspektor, anyone?) or otherwise perfectly normal names with kr8tv spellings (How does one pronounce "Asthyleigh," exactly?). But does that make it any better?

Quite honestly, unless you're wealthy and/or famous... or if you simply don't plan on having a white-collar type career, names actually do matter. I know people who love unusual names or kr8v spellings will disagree with me, but as someone who has lived it and knows many others who have, most of us unusually named children didn't find our parents' kr8vitee remotely cute. We have always had to overcome that initial shock when someone sees or hears our name for the first time ["Well... um... that's... um... interesting! Is it a family name?"]. Instead of our first impression being created by the energy or personality we bring into the room, we are instead first judged on a crazy decision our parents made decades before. Sure, many (heck, probably even most) kids—even those with the most normal names—may dislike or hate their names, but there's a big difference between hating your name and being forced to overcome your name.

I'm not saying don't name your kids what you want. That's only something you and your significant other (if any) can decide. I'm saying just give it some thought beyond what you think is "cute" or "fun" at a given moment in time. Because that name you give (on average) less than nine months of contemplation is going to stay with another human being for the rest of his or her life. And if, in the end, you decide your desire for quirky and funny outweighs any angst your child may have over that name in the future, at least give them the option my parents deprived me: a normal middle name or nickname (even if tacked on as an afterthought after another unusual middle name) s/he can use in the alternative!

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So... Tell Me About Yourself

"Tell me about yourself..."--four little words that seem so simple. But are they?

We've all heard it before. Dates, job interviews, small talk at a party or professional event. But how do we answer it? And what does our answer say about us?

Obviously the answer to "tell me about yourself" is going to depend in part on the setting and the audience. You're not going to answer that question on a job interview or at a professional networking event with "On the weekends, I'm really into being tied up and beaten with small, light whips," even jokingly [unless, of course, your business industry happens to be related to S&M]. Just like I'm sure your attachment parenting support group doesn't really want to hear you laundry-list your resumé and all of your professional accomplishments. But even within a tailored setting, the way you answer that question can be tricky. Not to mention, there are those times when you are asked the question in one setting, when the intention is another altogether.

I was recently asked this question in a professional context. As I usually do in a professional setting, I started answering it from a professional standpoint--what my practice area is, where I work, how long I've been doing it, etc. I was cut off. "Nah... I don't want to know about your legal career. I want to know what you like when you're not being a lawyer. What do you like to do? Do you have any  hobbies?". Instantly, I relaxed. Suddenly, I no longer had that feeling of being "on." But then where to go? Do I mention that I have an unhealthy obsession (as many other lawyers do, I've found) to trash reality TV? Do I talk about my children? Shrug. So I began where I usually do, "I really like to write...".

For most of us, who we are is multi-layered. You can talk about your children or your hobbies. You could talk about your background from birth to present day. Or you could just talk about the week you've been having. But where do you begin? "Well, I was born in a small town near Timbuktu to John Doe and Jane Smith-Doe. There, I attended Almost-Timbuktu Elementary, where my first grade teacher was Miss Know-It-All...".

This is why "tell me about yourself" with nothing more bothers me. I don't know what information, if any, the asker is actually seeking. Not to mention, sometimes it feels like a trick: what do you prioritize about yourself? On a theoretical basis, the first thing that pops into your head should be the most important thing about you, right? But I suspect most people are like me, and within a millisecond, you've filtered your personality down to one innocuous thing about You© that you can share until you gauge who this stranger is and what his or her end game is. For any stranger who has used this question as some sort of personality or litmus test on me, sorry to burst your bubble, but you likely did not receive an answer that told you the things I feel are most important about me. We don't know each other well enough for that kind of disclosure. For anyone who used it because they really didn't know how to ask the right direct question to find out what it is about me they really want to know [which, I suppose in most cases is, "Do we have some common traits that can take this conversation from awkward introduction to a meaningful exchange?"], then I apologize if my answer did nothing but drag out the uncomfortable first-meeting scenario. But you've gotta work with me here!

For the personality test, I feel like there are so many other indirect ways you can find out what values a person holds dear. For someone like me (the "semi-open book" type), maybe your best bet is to skip the beating around the bush and just ask me direct questions. If you want to know if I'm a religious person in the same way you are, asking me "tell me about yourself" and hoping that somewhere in my rambling answer some church activities come up is really not a productive way to go [particularly if this is in a professional setting, since, ya know, it's usually best to avoid topics of religion and politics unless you have a reason to believe the other person is on the same page as you]. Why not just ask me outright, "So where do you go to church?" or "Do you go to church?". Yes, it might be momentarily awkward when I answer that no I do not go to church, nor am I Christian; but at least then we can quickly move on instead of you asking me over and over to "tell me something else about yourself." Because we will never get to anything close to that topic. We just won't. If there's something you want to know about a person, why not guide them in the right direction?

If "tell me about yourself" is your way of making small talk and getting past an awkward introduction, you have actually failed in that regard, because you have now made me more uncomfortable by forcing me into a situation where I am taking a 30-second personal inventory, where I have no idea what bits and pieces of information would be remotely relevant or interesting. How about asking more detailed questions, such as the person who stopped me mid-rehashing-my-resumé-track: "What are things you like to do outside of work? Do you have any hobbies?". In this particular instance, the pointed question led to skipping over my stock answer about writing [an area in which the asker had no interest], and into a nice back-and-forth about crafting, a rug I randomly decided to make, and an excellent kids' craft idea she made up for one of her children's birthday parties years ago. By focusing her general question on one particular aspect about me [hobbies], we were able to find some common ground which led to a pretty lengthy and mutually interesting discussion.

"Tell me about yourself" is such a horrible stock question. Whether you're interviewing someone, courting someone, trying to make a new friend, or just trying to fill some time while the person you really want to talk to is otherwise occupied, why not instead try something a little more direct or specific? You'll be glad you did.

Tell me: How do you all generally answer the magic "tell me about yourself" question?




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How a Football Anti-Fan Watches the Super Bowl

I don't watch football when I can help it. I can't stand it, honestly. In fact, I didn't even know which teams were playing until I Googled it this morning. Pop Culture Dad, however, is a huge football fan, so I cannot escape the Super Bowl no matter how much I try.

The night before the Super Bowl, Pop Culture Dad and I were grocery shopping with the kids, and I decided to pick up some cupcakes. Most of the cupcakes that were for sale were Super Bowl-themed. Not knowing or caring which cupcakes went with which teams, I picked the purple ones. Why? Because my kids and I love purple. I asked Pop Culture Dad if I should have gotten the red cupcakes instead, and his response was, "Meh. It doesn't matter. I guess I'll root for Baltimore, since I really don't care who wins this one." I actually had to ask him (as if it wasn't obvious from what he said) whether Baltimore was purple.

In trying to determine which team I would faux-root for, I started trying to come up with non-football related criteria. I've seen a couple of pictures where one Harbaugh brother (the younger one) was hotter than the other. So maybe... But those pictures were clearly doctored, because there isn't that much of an appreciable difference between the two. Tie.

Then I thought that stupid player for the 49ers who made the homophobic statement had made it easier for me, especially in light of the counter-point made by a very articulate player for the Ravens. But then San Francisco generally is pretty gay-friendly, and the 49ers were actually the first team to make an It Gets Better video. So, once again, no clear advantage.

I've been to San Francisco but never to anywhere in Maryland. Loved everything about San Fran except the fickle weather. And it's close to Napa. Advantage Dan Francisco.

I hate gold, so both teams lose there. But while I'm neutral about red, I really hate it combined with gold, unless, you know, it's Christmas time... Or a Quidditch game. My favorite color is black and second favorite is purple. Advantage Baltimore.

Bottom line: as long as the Texans aren't playing, I don't really care who wins. Somehow, though, I found myself kind of hoping the Ravens would win. Probably because I know if I attended Hogwarts, I would have been in Ravenclaw rather than Gryffindor.

So what about the game itself? Well, I used to watch for commercials. But ad people have run out of creativity [as evidenced by that GoDaddy crap, which was so awful, I won't dignify it with a link], so instead I just stay plugged into social media and try to accentuate the positive.

Here are some of my reactions throughout the game:

Before the game:
- "Why is everyone talking about Ray Lewis like he's the second coming? Didn't he kill somebody?"
- "The dude with the tattoos... Kaepernick. He's adopted, right?"
- "I know we just left a birthday party, but... How long before the game do I have to wait before it is appropriate to break open the cupcakes?"

Pre-Game Entertainment
- "Sandy Hook... Crap. This better not make me cry."
- "Jennifer Hudson, too??? There's another person who'll tell ya all that's wrong with our gun-crazed culture."
- "Shit. I'm crying."
- "Alicia Keys? Pass! I'm not really into people who like to steal pregnant women's husbands. I don't care if he married him later. Guess she'll get hers later. How you getcha man is how you keep yo' man."
- "Wow. Alicia Keys. That kinda sucked. Like. Really. Bor-ring. Can we get JHud and the Sandy Hook kids to come back?"
- made the interesting observation on Twitter, Facebook, and inside my home that the assessment of Alicia Keys' performance was very strictly divided among racial lines. White folks loved it. People of color (all colors), not so much.

During the Game
- "How long until Queen B?"
- "Wow. Commercials suck. Seriously. When is halftime?"
- During halftime, I had an interesting conversation with Pop Culture Preschooler [hereinafter, Little Diva] about Beyoncé. She decided this week that she can out-sing Queen B any day of the week. After watching two minutes of the performance, LD decided her singing superiority was confirmed.
- Best observation on Facebook (credit to one of my favorite writers, Kyra Davis): Bey should have sang the National Anthem live and lip-synced the Super Bowl. We would rather see you dancing than hear that screeching. Whatever point Beyoncé was trying to make by singing live tonight... Um... She probably made the opposite.
- Where Bey DID kill however? That dancing. That body. DAYUMN she looked good... Until...
- Beyoncé should never stand next to Kelly Williams... Like, ever. Kelly is HAWT.
- "Single Ladies"... Bey put her hand down when she said "you shoulda out a ring on it," because Jay-Z did. But is it just me or did that it kinda made Kelly and Michelle look a little sad? Did she really need to go there?
- "Godammit! Beyoncé bootylicioused the lights out!"
- The electricity failure presented a perfect time to give the kids a bath. Couldn't have planned it better if I had forgotten to pay the Superdome's utility bills myself.
- best comment on Facebook about the power failure (by Pop Culture Dad's friend, BMW enthusiast): Just another example of classic Mercedes electrical failure.
- while the Gagnam Style pistachio commercial was as stupid as all pistachio commercials tend to be, I had fun doing the dance with my girls. Side note: I need to do Just Dance 4 tomorrow....
- While rocking Pop Culture Toddler [hereinafter, Super Girl] to sleep, I found myself Googling "2013 Super Bowl score." Then I remembered I didn't care.

Thanks to our girls' sleep schedules, Pop Culture Dad had to watch the game on DVR delay. How did I spend my time while he caught up the last 30 minutes of the game? By writing this, of course.

For those of you who hate football as much as I do, if you're stuck with a football lover in your life, how do you cope with the endless day of football and football commentary that is the Super Bowl?


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